🍂Seasons🍂

Defeating fears of seasonal change

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The leaves fall around me in utter silence, the wind simmers kindly, rain at bay but the clouds overhead are coming, the grey is forming its force field around us, they are trying to take over, there is certain fear.

Colour slashes through reinforcing happiness, change is part of this life and we need to embrace it. The darkness may form at times when we only need light, we must push through and carry on with our plight.

Low sunsets and wide eyed moons glow on us so brightly. Fighting against shaded mornings and quickened days into lost evenings. You rush through these hours trying to capture what’s left to live, when maybe it’s best to stop, take stock and just breathe.

Memories are made and sometimes come back to haunt us, it’s how you treat them on days where you can’t see beyond the shadows of harrowing scenes that blind us.

The cold is coming but so much is around to warm us. Be still and appreciate all that is around, nature will nurture you with hope that better times are ahead and you can enjoy all that binds us.

I refuse to be sucked in to sadness, come at me with the worst of all that you can bring, and I’ll merrily crash through your icy walls and emerge a better person knowing all that I have been.

I will not drown on rainy days or whimper under thunderous clouds. I will not hide from the wind but face it front on, I do not bow to your early finishing days.

I do not concede or choose to believe there isn’t a way out. There will be a clear path to the highest point and there I shall stand and scream out aloud, “I am here, and here to stand against your frightening ways”

You do not win in making me a lesser version of me, you make me stronger and add to the person I am destined to be. I march on to the top and do not look back, winter is coming and I treat you like all the others. I choose to see white calmness spread across the days and night. Although it may be dark, to me there will always be light.

A new year will start and the days will become longer. You will have reflected and made better choices. There will be hurdles of ice cold blasts but you will not be defeated, you are its master.

No time to look back now, spring will almost be upon us. So much to accomplish, so much to conquer. The leafs change to that beautiful light green colour, this means go, go thereafter.

Summer shines like the northern star, giving us time to rejoice and marvel at all we are. Children playing in the streets, beer gardens buzzing with wasps and bees. A whole year will have passed and I will still be here. The same person, the same woman standing independently.

Those tough circumstances, where impossible demands are made, the harsh withered faces, those stormy days, they will all be offset by mother nature’s wondrous ways. Keep going on your journey and truly engage, be every colour, your scale has no end.

Autumn, winter, spring and summer you are all my friends. The memories I make on this adventure ahead will be the best ones until the sweet beautiful end.

It’s on repeat 🎵

Over and over again

I’m a record ajar a single on repeat, can’t seem to get past this verse that is embedded in me so deep.

I worry, and angst over all that could have been or would be, rather than just living in the moment, here now with you and me.

It’s not you and I anymore and never shall it be. The ending has been so surprisingly bittersweet.

I miss all your eccentricities, the routine and who we were once destined to be, but that was a short dream that I never allowed to be.

I need to slow down and be more of the person I used to be. I will give it my all this year and move onto a better me.

Saturday will come and your stuff will be gone, Sunday I’ll get home and the reality will settle in.you and I are no more and never shall we ever be.

I’m alone and these great, wonderful things are happening around me. People are putting their faith and trust in me.

Today I am a shadow of the woman I should be.

I know it’s over

As The Smiths so curtly put…

I can feel the soil falling over my head, and as I climb into an empty bed, oh well enough said..:

The hammer and chisel slowly chipping away any love I had for you and any strength I had for me

And it never really began, but in my heart it was so real”

It started so wonderfully and then you have just drained the life and soul from me, left me feeling unloved, unattractive, uncertain on the person I am.

“It’s so easy to love, it’s so easy to hate, it’s takes strength to be gentle and kind”

You have consistently lied about things and made me feel bad. Picked at things you know are my worst fears. We snipe, make each other unhappy, and now it’s time to admit it.

Don’t feel bad for me, I want you to know”

It’s not just you, it’s the people we’re becoming, I don’t like who I am around you anymore, I feel resentful and angry and that’s my shit to deal with. Maybe it’s insecurity and self loathing.

Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so sad to go”

It’s going to be tough starting over, finding all that strength and love again. I need to find it for myself before anyone else, embrace what little is left of that beautiful person inside me.

Love is natural and real, but not for you, my love, not tonight my love

I am totally broken, from the core. I’ll get through because I have before. Maybe I’m waiting and writing instead of talking because I’m scared of losing you. But I have lost you, it is over and we both know, it’s not for now and it’s not forever.

The sound in the background

I can hear it in the background, at first it just murmurs in the dark. It comes closer, be still my beating heart.

It’s getting louder and I don’t know what it says, it’s muffled and impending, am I doomed or is it to be something wonderful today?

I search for it, what is it you are trying to say? Still it’s just too far and I’m a little out of reach, it fades to dare to come back another day.

I will it to come closer, let me hear what you say from so far away.

But you’re not far away, the sound, the voice, the cries, the woes, the laughter, the tone.

It’s a sound I’ve created, I’ve found. I now do not fathom what it is you are trying to tell me.

When you’re ready it will be loud and clear. Until then just keep it to a whisper, keep it near.

🌊 Waves 🌊

A little piece of that girl’s heart

In the darkness there has always been a way out, the troubles that toil us don’t stop our plight.

You battle everyday to keep a straight happy face, sometimes that crumbles at such a fast pace.

It’s like I’m on a beach, the waves are coming in, the sand slowly sinks and I’m drifting further away.

Instead of a refreshing wave releasing me from this pain, it drags me under and there’s no escape.

The crushing feeling of that second wave and the third, the beach is no longer in view, the sand is no longer safe.

Is this an ending? The overriding fear of what will come, when eventually it just is, this is it, this is the way.

You have loved, you have lost, you have cried, you have smiled. That little girl that was so happy, now so sad and lost and alone.

Dreaming, thinking, rethinking and repressing, pushing these thoughts deep into the abyss.

Then the whisper of hope, just as you had imagined and lived, those two statements that will always get you through this.

This is not my end.

This is not all you have to give.

Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

Palpitations I trust

Trying to figure out this aching inside.

This anxiety, these sleepless nights.

The lumps in my throat, the palpations in my chest.

Every waking moment you won’t let me rest.

Is it me, am I going crazy?

I’m trying to address it but I feel like I’m lost.

Is it you causing me this worry, this anger, this tosh. 

I have exercised and eaten well, 

Thought happy thoughts and tried not to dwell.

But still you linger, you won’t let go, help me, please, the burn, this feels like hell.