Running, for no purpose, no end

I run, pushing myself to the limit,

It got me through my first adult breakup,

It saved me from emotional pain,

Gave me space to think of nothing but my next step.

Music healing me as I jog to the beat,

It’s soothing, each moment that I tap the ground,

There’s nothing else here but me, my breathing and the nature all around.

I go harder when I have a lot on my mind,

Thrashing it out on the pavement,

Never looking behind.

I run slowly when I’m going far,

Looking into the distance,

Pacing myself up that hill,

I praise myself at the end for getting through.

I cherish these minutes, these hours, when it’s just me and you,

You, the nature, that surrounds us every day,

You, the clear space in my head.

I’m not running ahead or sideways,

Always running forward trying to beat yesterday.

Running for no purpose but pure love for myself and the sport,

Running to a happier place,

Taking chances on new routes.

It’s mine, I don’t need to pay for it, or have anyone else there,

It’s a choice I choose, a route I take, time I sacrifice and enjoy,

I love running, not being the tortoise or the hare.

Just being me, running to nowhere.

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A reminder

Sometimes it all gets a bit too much, functioning on a daily basis, being one of those happy faces.

You retract, take some time, pick yourself up and get back to the grind.

It’s not the end, this is the start. Each time is a fresh beginning, the excitement of living.

Right now it’s distant, it’s hard to see the light, you’re blocking out the darkness wrapping around you like a harness.

You’re struggling to break free, the shackles are tight, you know this is it, it’s time to fight.

Each time you’re stronger, even though the horrid sinking feeling lasts longer.

It’s ok though, it always is, there’s only one road and thought to take, “You’ll get through this” make no mistake, darkness I will always surpass you and soon I will wake.

I do not surrender, or cower to your hold. I move past you smiling feeling lighter with my cleansed soul.

💗

What’s ahead, that’s what’s best 💗

When it’s an ending but also a new, beautiful start 💗

Everything’s becoming so transparent, so lucid, my questions are not longing for your answers, I already have them, I know what that murmur in my head once was.

It’s been quite the journey, but I’m finally at the summit of this part of the climb, where being alone isn’t so desolate, it’s a broad horizon where anything’s possible.

Time is finally ok, because it’s mine and I can choose to whom I give it, I don’t owe it and I don’t expect it from anyone that doesn’t want to willingly give it.

I can listen to the songs I once couldn’t, I can smile and know it’s not false, I’m on an exciting adventure and I’m the centre of it.

Looking in the mirror and not hating the reflection, no longer comparing myself to things I cannot be, Just being the purest version of me.

Realising that I’d never gotten over the big one, pretending I’m having fun when secretly resenting the person i’d become.

Living my life vicariously through what I think they want me to be, a mistake I’ll not be making again in this story. Getting to the end with the most wonderful personalities, be they friends, family or a great love, always they are there for me.

I don’t regret, or feel sad, if anything a beautiful chapter has ended and now I can move forward on this path as an individual, wishing you the best for your future voyages, knowing that we had something special and that’ll it’ll always be something I’m especially fond of.

I feel contented, somewhat mended, almost excited and undaunted of what’s ahead. I’ve chosen to take a route of happiness, and I’m so glad of that.

🍂Seasons🍂

Defeating fears of seasonal change

The leaves fall around me in utter silence, the wind simmers kindly, rain at bay but the clouds overhead are coming, the grey is forming its force field around us, they are trying to take over, there is certain fear.

Colour slashes through reinforcing happiness, change is part of this life and we need to embrace it. The darkness may form at times when we only need light, we must push through and carry on with our plight.

Low sunsets and wide eyed moons glow on us so brightly. Fighting against shaded mornings and quickened days into lost evenings. You rush through these hours trying to capture what’s left to live, when maybe it’s best to stop, take stock and just breathe.

Memories are made and sometimes come back to haunt us, it’s how you treat them on days where you can’t see beyond the shadows of harrowing scenes that blind us.

The cold is coming but so much is around to warm us. Be still and appreciate all that is around, nature will nurture you with hope that better times are ahead and you can enjoy all that binds us.

I refuse to be sucked in to sadness, come at me with the worst of all that you can bring, and I’ll merrily crash through your icy walls and emerge a better person knowing all that I have been.

I will not drown on rainy days or whimper under thunderous clouds. I will not hide from the wind but face it front on, I do not bow to your early finishing days.

I do not concede or choose to believe there isn’t a way out. There will be a clear path to the highest point and there I shall stand and scream out aloud, “I am here, and here to stand against your frightening ways”

You do not win in making me a lesser version of me, you make me stronger and add to the person I am destined to be. I march on to the top and do not look back, winter is coming and I treat you like all the others. I choose to see white calmness spread across the days and night. Although it may be dark, to me there will always be light.

A new year will start and the days will become longer. You will have reflected and made better choices. There will be hurdles of ice cold blasts but you will not be defeated, you are its master.

No time to look back now, spring will almost be upon us. So much to accomplish, so much to conquer. The leafs change to that beautiful light green colour, this means go, go thereafter.

Summer shines like the northern star, giving us time to rejoice and marvel at all we are. Children playing in the streets, beer gardens buzzing with wasps and bees. A whole year will have passed and I will still be here. The same person, the same woman standing independently.

Those tough circumstances, where impossible demands are made, the harsh withered faces, those stormy days, they will all be offset by mother nature’s wondrous ways. Keep going on your journey and truly engage, be every colour, your scale has no end.

Autumn, winter, spring and summer you are all my friends. The memories I make on this adventure ahead will be the best ones until the sweet beautiful end.

It’s on repeat 🎵

Over and over again

I’m a record ajar a single on repeat, can’t seem to get past this verse that is embedded in me so deep.

I worry, and angst over all that could have been or would be, rather than just living in the moment, here now with you and me.

It’s not you and I anymore and never shall it be. The ending has been so surprisingly bittersweet.

I miss all your eccentricities, the routine and who we were once destined to be, but that was a short dream that I never allowed to be.

I need to slow down and be more of the person I used to be. I will give it my all this year and move onto a better me.

Saturday will come and your stuff will be gone, Sunday I’ll get home and the reality will settle in.you and I are no more and never shall we ever be.

I’m alone and these great, wonderful things are happening around me. People are putting their faith and trust in me.

Today I am a shadow of the woman I should be.

I know it’s over

As The Smiths so curtly put…

I can feel the soil falling over my head, and as I climb into an empty bed, oh well enough said..:

The hammer and chisel slowly chipping away any love I had for you and any strength I had for me

And it never really began, but in my heart it was so real”

It started so wonderfully and then you have just drained the life and soul from me, left me feeling unloved, unattractive, uncertain on the person I am.

“It’s so easy to love, it’s so easy to hate, it’s takes strength to be gentle and kind”

You have consistently lied about things and made me feel bad. Picked at things you know are my worst fears. We snipe, make each other unhappy, and now it’s time to admit it.

Don’t feel bad for me, I want you to know”

It’s not just you, it’s the people we’re becoming, I don’t like who I am around you anymore, I feel resentful and angry and that’s my shit to deal with. Maybe it’s insecurity and self loathing.

Deep in the cell of my heart, I will feel so sad to go”

It’s going to be tough starting over, finding all that strength and love again. I need to find it for myself before anyone else, embrace what little is left of that beautiful person inside me.

Love is natural and real, but not for you, my love, not tonight my love

I am totally broken, from the core. I’ll get through because I have before. Maybe I’m waiting and writing instead of talking because I’m scared of losing you. But I have lost you, it is over and we both know, it’s not for now and it’s not forever.

The sound in the background

I can hear it in the background, at first it just murmurs in the dark. It comes closer, be still my beating heart.

It’s getting louder and I don’t know what it says, it’s muffled and impending, am I doomed or is it to be something wonderful today?

I search for it, what is it you are trying to say? Still it’s just too far and I’m a little out of reach, it fades to dare to come back another day.

I will it to come closer, let me hear what you say from so far away.

But you’re not far away, the sound, the voice, the cries, the woes, the laughter, the tone.

It’s a sound I’ve created, I’ve found. I now do not fathom what it is you are trying to tell me.

When you’re ready it will be loud and clear. Until then just keep it to a whisper, keep it near.