Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

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Palpitations I trust

Trying to figure out this aching inside.

This anxiety, these sleepless nights.

The lumps in my throat, the palpations in my chest.

Every waking moment you won’t let me rest.

Is it me, am I going crazy?

I’m trying to address it but I feel like I’m lost.

Is it you causing me this worry, this anger, this tosh. 

I have exercised and eaten well, 

Thought happy thoughts and tried not to dwell.

But still you linger, you won’t let go, help me, please, the burn, this feels like hell. 

Looking for something

Sometimes I’m looking, I realise I’m completely blind to what it is I’m looking for.

Wishing that dreams weren’t this thin, Losing the lust for life and love I have within.

I hold on to anxieties and trust mishaps from the past. I wish to the gods that this self doubt wouldn’t last.

Picking myself up from the crimson flux, all will be well he said, but I knew better, and still I did not ask.

The self loathing and constant waiting around isn’t going to change this mess, but you can’t let it keep you down.

You must rise above and see the glory outside, that the future ahead that truly is so bright. 

Time is one thing that is so precious to me, sharing your time with someone else, creating beautiful memories.

If the other person does not have the time for you or constantly brings it up, “I have no free weekends”, then take a step back and question what your worth is here.

A relationship is about compromise and still being oneself but being part of a unionship. If you’re changing yourself or feeling unhappy, ask yourself, is he/she really worth all this.

We are all only here once, (maybe a few more times in spirit and memories) but this lifetime is what we have and why not be happy and let yourself shine? 

Time is precious and shouldn’t be spent worrying over what people are thinking and why they don’t want to share theirs with you.

Time is for living so today go do something new, make a list of things to achieve and get them done, focus on happiness and not being so god damn glum! 

You are who you are, you cannot change that. Blossom don’t hide, be who you are regardless of what people like.

Go forward with a heart of gold and make people smile, be bold, don’t be frightened, put on your favourite song and dance, sing, have a little run around and see, it’s not all so bad really.