Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

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Palpitations I trust

Trying to figure out this aching inside.

This anxiety, these sleepless nights.

The lumps in my throat, the palpations in my chest.

Every waking moment you won’t let me rest.

Is it me, am I going crazy?

I’m trying to address it but I feel like I’m lost.

Is it you causing me this worry, this anger, this tosh. 

I have exercised and eaten well, 

Thought happy thoughts and tried not to dwell.

But still you linger, you won’t let go, help me, please, the burn, this feels like hell. 

That one friend you lost


There was a guy, his name was Jordan, my best friend in the world, he knew every lyric to “Morden”.

He used to introduce me to all the best music, we’d go to gigs, get merry and dare I say it, boogie.

We loved the same movies, the tv shows like this is England and comedians like Steve Coogan.

The stories we have are so precious to me, with him I share some of my most favourite memories. 

He’s not in my life anymore and that’s my own doing, he married a girl and things got all a bit crazy.

This wasn’t a jealous or malicious action, it was just that I couldn’t believe the wedding was right for him.

They both love eachother so deeply, but they were in debt and blindsided by this, I couldn’t stand by and be a party to it.

I was meant to witness something I couldn’t truely believe in, it broke my heart having to lose him.

There are times when I just want to speak to him, he understood me like no other and I cherished his opinion.

He’s a handsome fellow with a heart of gold, alongside his beautiful mind he was a troubled soul.

I helped him through some of his toughest times, where the darkness had a hold, I was the one to make him shine.

I know I’ll never get him back and too much has happened, but I’m happy to say his true love has proved me wrong and will totally last. 

If I could speak to him now, I wouldn’t want to apologise, I’d just want to know all about him, his wife and his life.

She’s a beautiful lady who had also because a lovely friend of mine, im gutted she is also no longer in my life.

People grow apart and mistakes are made, but I’ll never forget this best friend, he’ll always be in my heart and hopefully I’ll get to see him again someday. 

The sea is a good place to think of the future


That stolen glance, the ones where your eyes meet and linger. Mentioning that person more than just the occasional whisper. Adding them and liking everything they do on social media.

When they show you a favourite song and you realise it was their favourite with that other someone. Thinking you had something special, that this was to be your memory. 

The past, the present, the future, the things you talk about, the promises you make, the life you expect never quite turns out the way you want.

The sea, that’s where I’ll go, I’ll go watch the tide come in and let it sweep me away. I’ll let my body dance with the waves, my lungs fill with my surroundings, my arms swaying as I become lifeless with nothing but misery and pain fading away from me. With a last breath, a pause, a moment, I’ll smile, and it will be real, finally peace, escape, a true glimpse into what life could have been.

It’s a false start and not an ending

“I started to diarise the coming of flies when gloom is descending
So when it’s back round again I know it’s a false start and not an ending”

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Feeling like you’re alone in your own world of crazy,

The walls around crashing towards your being.

The people surrounding saying nothing but still screaming.

Wanting to say what you feel but not able to follow through.

Pretending you’re ok, you’re in love, that he loves you still.

Really there’s nothing left in the abyss of this relationship.

Going over the same lines, lies and tries.

Believing in fading dreams that are nothing more than winters mist.

How have you become so lost in this?

“And I’ve been dangling in limbo, barely keeping my cool. 
It’s like I’m snookered between the back cushion and touching the 8 ball.”

The Papa

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No matter the time, the place, the problem,

The who, the what and the where.

There’s one guy that solves everything

Papa you’re always there.

You make me laugh when all I want to do is cry,

Pull me away from any darkness inside.

The person you are, I aspire to be,

The rock, my stability.

Your kindness and love for all people,

The strength you have inside you.

Putting anyone before your own happiness,

Blind to the hero of a guy that you truly are.

There’s no one I respect more,

No one I could thank more.

You got me through my heart break,

Pulled me back from being broken to the core.

At the milestones we both hit this year,

You due to turn 50, with my 30 years creeping up on me.

You’re my light, my idol and my best friend,

I love you papa, I always will, right until the end.