Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

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New job, new beginnings 

I feel anxious, my bones creak, my brain weeps, my heart skips every other beat. I’m tired, my eyes feel heavy, but my body won’t let me rest whilst my mind is so full of useless worry.

Everyone says I’m a people person, and I, like most, can make a conversation of nothing, hold my own and entertain the crowd. People are my thing. That’s what they say anyway.

This doesn’t mean that new beginnings like these aren’t as damn scary. A new job, new people, new environment surrounds me. It’s suffocating, all encompassing and dreary. 

It’s like I’m 10 again, in the school gala, diving for the black brick at the bottom of the pool. I know I can reach it, I can struggle to bring it to the top, but that’s it, that struggle, it’s exhausting, is it really worth all this time and effort?

The optimist in me says yes, the niggling darkness behind my left shoulder sniggers, expecting me to lose my way and blow out those last air bubbles, rising to the top, but just as an empty vessel, with no glory, no brick, no happy ending to this story. 

I will move past this self loathing, this harsh view that I won’t be everything I hope. I just feel a little bit lost. I am in transition to something completely new and all I can see is failure for this moment, but I know deep down it will not last.

I will succeed and make the most of the opportunity ahead. I’ll embrace this chance I’ve been given with both my heart and head. The new people will be as beautiful as the last and the fear of failure will subside, I will find my place and no longer be lost.

Job satisfaction 

37.5 hours a week, the total time I realised I’m unhappy.

At first it was fun, the people are lush.

Now I’m filled with dread, I want to give up.

Not on life, but on this job,
I’ve quite simply had enough.

So I could wallow, I could cry, 

But that’s not me, I’ll work hard until I die.

Instead I’ll find something new,

A place of happiness again.

I may work for the man, but he also works for me,

I just have to find the right compatibility.

We live and we die, 

There’s no point wasting time.

If you’re unhappy move on,

Be productive until you’re gone.

So I’ll give it my all and be the best I can be. 

Hopefully soon I’ll be writing an entry, about that new job just for me.

The love story that began with a little peach

This is how our love bloomed. How my eyes were opened. He enticed me with his beautiful words.

I want you to close your eyes and picture the world as you see it. All colour, warmth, sound. Now picture a 6ft by 6ft glass box amidst it all. Obvious, but somehow part of the general architecture of the place. The interior is safe and secure from the fury and noise, and allows me a voyeur’s view of the world. Inside, the edge of the knife does not cut me, the jaws of the world do not close around my neck. In a word safety. 

 But it’s also a little cold, the obsidian walls reflect cruelly back at me, and the warmth of connection is impossible. I watch as others braver than me embrace the world and its gifts; the glow of new love, the full bloom of chances taken. But I in my box cannot be reached, a long forgotten organ screams for freedom, but is heard only by the walls and so its cries echo and fade into comfortable silence. 

 This is where I live.

 Or at least did until recently. As with all the best stories the inciting incident is a girl, we’ll call her the peach (yes I’m serious). Now, I could wax lyrical about freckles, brown eyes and sweet dispositions, but I never was great at poetry and romance not born of strong cider makes me faintly nauseous.

 But…

 How she personifies all the light, fury and beauty of a world closed to me, a look shatters the glass and the world rushes in. A shard of pure daylight into a long neglected vault, bringing with it the scent of spring and innumerable promise. My soul soars, the very bones that hold me feel lighter, my spine straightens, wrinkles recede. I remember that somewhere within this carefully constructed prison, despite it all, lives a human.

 Then comes doubt, like a barely perceptible whisper of chill wind through winter pines. Breathing those fateful words “this isn’t real”. 

 To love is to surrender. The soldier surrenders knowing that he throws himself upon the mercy of his captor, he lays down his defences and so becomes naked. Do I, like him, plead mercy and step into the terror of uncertainty, the great beyond, the void?

 The risks are severe, to fail surely means to fall into a far darker place than the sanctuary of my prison. But the reward! All the colour of the world revealed to me at last! 

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