🌊 Waves 🌊

A little piece of that girl’s heart


In the darkness there has always been a way out, the troubles that toil us don’t stop our plight.

You battle everyday to keep a straight happy face, sometimes that crumbles at such a fast pace.

It’s like I’m on a beach, the waves are coming in, the sand slowly sinks and I’m drifting further away.

Instead of a refreshing wave releasing me from this pain, it drags me under and there’s no escape.

The crushing feeling of that second wave and the third, the beach is no longer in view, the sand is no longer safe.

Is this an ending? The overriding fear of what will come, when eventually it just is, this is it, this is the way.

You have loved, you have lost, you have cried, you have smiled. That little girl that was so happy, now so sad and lost and alone.

Dreaming, thinking, rethinking and repressing, pushing these thoughts deep into the abyss.

Then the whisper of hope, just as you had imagined and lived, those two statements that will always get you through this.

This is not my end.

This is not all you have to give.

Palpitations I trust

Trying to figure out this aching inside.

This anxiety, these sleepless nights.

The lumps in my throat, the palpations in my chest.

Every waking moment you won’t let me rest.

Is it me, am I going crazy?

I’m trying to address it but I feel like I’m lost.

Is it you causing me this worry, this anger, this tosh. 

I have exercised and eaten well, 

Thought happy thoughts and tried not to dwell.

But still you linger, you won’t let go, help me, please, the burn, this feels like hell. 

New job, new beginnings 

I feel anxious, my bones creak, my brain weeps, my heart skips every other beat. I’m tired, my eyes feel heavy, but my body won’t let me rest whilst my mind is so full of useless worry.

Everyone says I’m a people person, and I, like most, can make a conversation of nothing, hold my own and entertain the crowd. People are my thing. That’s what they say anyway.

This doesn’t mean that new beginnings like these aren’t as damn scary. A new job, new people, new environment surrounds me. It’s suffocating, all encompassing and dreary. 

It’s like I’m 10 again, in the school gala, diving for the black brick at the bottom of the pool. I know I can reach it, I can struggle to bring it to the top, but that’s it, that struggle, it’s exhausting, is it really worth all this time and effort?

The optimist in me says yes, the niggling darkness behind my left shoulder sniggers, expecting me to lose my way and blow out those last air bubbles, rising to the top, but just as an empty vessel, with no glory, no brick, no happy ending to this story. 

I will move past this self loathing, this harsh view that I won’t be everything I hope. I just feel a little bit lost. I am in transition to something completely new and all I can see is failure for this moment, but I know deep down it will not last.

I will succeed and make the most of the opportunity ahead. I’ll embrace this chance I’ve been given with both my heart and head. The new people will be as beautiful as the last and the fear of failure will subside, I will find my place and no longer be lost.