Itā€™s on repeat šŸŽµ

Over and over again

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I’m a record ajar a single on repeat, can’t seem to get past this verse that is embedded in me so deep.

I worry, and angst over all that could have been or would be, rather than just living in the moment, here now with you and me.

It’s not you and I anymore and never shall it be. The ending has been so surprisingly bittersweet.

I miss all your eccentricities, the routine and who we were once destined to be, but that was a short dream that I never allowed to be.

I need to slow down and be more of the person I used to be. I will give it my all this year and move onto a better me.

Saturday will come and your stuff will be gone, Sunday I’ll get home and the reality will settle in.you and I are no more and never shall we ever be.

I’m alone and these great, wonderful things are happening around me. People are putting their faith and trust in me.

Today I am a shadow of the woman I should be.

That one friend you lost


There was a guy, his name was Jordan, my best friend in the world, he knew every lyric to “Morden”.

He used to introduce me to all the best music, we’d go to gigs, get merry and dare I say it, boogie.

We loved the same movies, the tv shows like this is England and comedians like Steve Coogan.

The stories we have are so precious to me, with him I share some of my most favourite memories. 

He’s not in my life anymore and that’s my own doing, he married a girl and things got all a bit crazy.

This wasn’t a jealous or malicious action, it was just that I couldn’t believe the wedding was right for him.

They both love eachother so deeply, but they were in debt and blindsided by this, I couldn’t stand by and be a party to it.

I was meant to witness something I couldn’t truely believe in, it broke my heart having to lose him.

There are times when I just want to speak to him, he understood me like no other and I cherished his opinion.

He’s a handsome fellow with a heart of gold, alongside his beautiful mind he was a troubled soul.

I helped him through some of his toughest times, where the darkness had a hold, I was the one to make him shine.

I know I’ll never get him back and too much has happened, but I’m happy to say his true love has proved me wrong and will totally last. 

If I could speak to him now, I wouldn’t want to apologise, I’d just want to know all about him, his wife and his life.

She’s a beautiful lady who had also because a lovely friend of mine, im gutted she is also no longer in my life.

People grow apart and mistakes are made, but I’ll never forget this best friend, he’ll always be in my heart and hopefully I’ll get to see him again someday. 

New job, new beginningsĀ 

I feel anxious, my bones creak, my brain weeps, my heart skips every other beat. I’m tired, my eyes feel heavy, but my body won’t let me rest whilst my mind is so full of useless worry.

Everyone says I’m a people person, and I, like most, can make a conversation of nothing, hold my own and entertain the crowd. People are my thing. That’s what they say anyway.

This doesn’t mean that new beginnings like these aren’t as damn scary. A new job, new people, new environment surrounds me. It’s suffocating, all encompassing and dreary. 

It’s like I’m 10 again, in the school gala, diving for the black brick at the bottom of the pool. I know I can reach it, I can struggle to bring it to the top, but that’s it, that struggle, it’s exhausting, is it really worth all this time and effort?

The optimist in me says yes, the niggling darkness behind my left shoulder sniggers, expecting me to lose my way and blow out those last air bubbles, rising to the top, but just as an empty vessel, with no glory, no brick, no happy ending to this story. 

I will move past this self loathing, this harsh view that I won’t be everything I hope. I just feel a little bit lost. I am in transition to something completely new and all I can see is failure for this moment, but I know deep down it will not last.

I will succeed and make the most of the opportunity ahead. I’ll embrace this chance I’ve been given with both my heart and head. The new people will be as beautiful as the last and the fear of failure will subside, I will find my place and no longer be lost.