Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

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The sea is a good place to think of the future


That stolen glance, the ones where your eyes meet and linger. Mentioning that person more than just the occasional whisper. Adding them and liking everything they do on social media.

When they show you a favourite song and you realise it was their favourite with that other someone. Thinking you had something special, that this was to be your memory. 

The past, the present, the future, the things you talk about, the promises you make, the life you expect never quite turns out the way you want.

The sea, that’s where I’ll go, I’ll go watch the tide come in and let it sweep me away. I’ll let my body dance with the waves, my lungs fill with my surroundings, my arms swaying as I become lifeless with nothing but misery and pain fading away from me. With a last breath, a pause, a moment, I’ll smile, and it will be real, finally peace, escape, a true glimpse into what life could have been.

It’s a false start and not an ending

“I started to diarise the coming of flies when gloom is descending
So when it’s back round again I know it’s a false start and not an ending”

the_abyss_by_alexiuss-d5im6xf

Feeling like you’re alone in your own world of crazy,

The walls around crashing towards your being.

The people surrounding saying nothing but still screaming.

Wanting to say what you feel but not able to follow through.

Pretending you’re ok, you’re in love, that he loves you still.

Really there’s nothing left in the abyss of this relationship.

Going over the same lines, lies and tries.

Believing in fading dreams that are nothing more than winters mist.

How have you become so lost in this?

“And I’ve been dangling in limbo, barely keeping my cool. 
It’s like I’m snookered between the back cushion and touching the 8 ball.”

The love story that began with a little peach

This is how our love bloomed. How my eyes were opened. He enticed me with his beautiful words.

I want you to close your eyes and picture the world as you see it. All colour, warmth, sound. Now picture a 6ft by 6ft glass box amidst it all. Obvious, but somehow part of the general architecture of the place. The interior is safe and secure from the fury and noise, and allows me a voyeur’s view of the world. Inside, the edge of the knife does not cut me, the jaws of the world do not close around my neck. In a word safety. 

 But it’s also a little cold, the obsidian walls reflect cruelly back at me, and the warmth of connection is impossible. I watch as others braver than me embrace the world and its gifts; the glow of new love, the full bloom of chances taken. But I in my box cannot be reached, a long forgotten organ screams for freedom, but is heard only by the walls and so its cries echo and fade into comfortable silence. 

 This is where I live.

 Or at least did until recently. As with all the best stories the inciting incident is a girl, we’ll call her the peach (yes I’m serious). Now, I could wax lyrical about freckles, brown eyes and sweet dispositions, but I never was great at poetry and romance not born of strong cider makes me faintly nauseous.

 But…

 How she personifies all the light, fury and beauty of a world closed to me, a look shatters the glass and the world rushes in. A shard of pure daylight into a long neglected vault, bringing with it the scent of spring and innumerable promise. My soul soars, the very bones that hold me feel lighter, my spine straightens, wrinkles recede. I remember that somewhere within this carefully constructed prison, despite it all, lives a human.

 Then comes doubt, like a barely perceptible whisper of chill wind through winter pines. Breathing those fateful words “this isn’t real”. 

 To love is to surrender. The soldier surrenders knowing that he throws himself upon the mercy of his captor, he lays down his defences and so becomes naked. Do I, like him, plead mercy and step into the terror of uncertainty, the great beyond, the void?

 The risks are severe, to fail surely means to fall into a far darker place than the sanctuary of my prison. But the reward! All the colour of the world revealed to me at last! 

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