Idol Wednesdays 

Still, I couldn’t be anything more than still.

The night before I knew, but I wished so much that it wasn’t true.

Anxious for seeing you on that idol Wednesday.

Coming home already knowing what you needed to tell me.

Everything came crashing down.

You broke my heart, but I still couldn’t make a sound.

Sorry, that’s all I could say. Sorry for the heartache and for getting too comfortable and fat. Sorry for being a paranoid idiot when drunk. Sorry, please take me back.

There wasn’t a lot you could say, you left me there that night, hundreds of miles away from my family, my friends, everyone I hold dear. You left me there alone. Alone, now it was clear.

As I packed my things and had to get through the darkness and face my fears, I found something deep within me and held back the tears.

Coming away with nothing, complimenting you and saying that you’d just fallen out of love with me, not knowing what was yet to come, this pain had only just begun.

Every day after was a struggle, from eating to dealing with the guilt that I had done this, I had ruined a perfect relationship. Exercising myself to pure bones, wanting to take back some dignity. Where was my home?

You told me when I asked why, why did this happen? You said you were no longer attracted to me. That’s why it ended. Still I could not cry.

So, instead I picked myself up and threw myself into being happy, finding out a month later that you had been seeing another lady. 

The news came as a shock as I believed so much that it couldn’t of ever been that. I could see the pity in everyone’s eyes, so I held my head high and refused to cry.

Anger is what I felt, it consumed me completely. The anger was misdirected though, it wasn’t at you, it was at me.

Carelessly abusing my mental fragility, I started dating to replace the void of where you used to be.

Early on there was Neil, he was as unstable as me but we were both the rock eachother needed for a brief period. Then came along Ed the real rebound, the thirst for love came crashing down.

You couldn’t love me so why would he? Turns out he did, he really loved me. Did I love him I’ll always be uncertain, there’s a hold he’ll always have over me, maybe because I could never let him that close to me.

Soon after came Mark, a lovely chap, just not the right spark, I think quite possibly, I broke the poor guys heart. 

Then there’s you. The one who surprised me, the friend I’d grown to love and had no idea, you wrote to me, you made your feelings apparent and clear.

Alas, I’m the same position again, where I question my whole relationship, dreaming of how it should be rather than just going with it.

Can’t I just be happy, is it ever really that simple? Is the mask I put on to protect myself now too thick for me to see through? 

Eventually you’ll leave, I have succumbed to this fate, something I know well, no need to close the gate. 

You’ll be there for the time you need, my heart will break and darkness will succeed, but only for a short while. I will be so still. So silent and still.

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Palpitations I trust

Trying to figure out this aching inside.

This anxiety, these sleepless nights.

The lumps in my throat, the palpations in my chest.

Every waking moment you won’t let me rest.

Is it me, am I going crazy?

I’m trying to address it but I feel like I’m lost.

Is it you causing me this worry, this anger, this tosh. 

I have exercised and eaten well, 

Thought happy thoughts and tried not to dwell.

But still you linger, you won’t let go, help me, please, the burn, this feels like hell. 

Counting sheep 


Silently you sit and wait, telling yourself to sleep now; the darkness is there, the comfort of your bed beneath you, 2am in the morning and your mind is still so busy with innumerate thoughts.

Taking into consideration why you can’t drift into slumber. Googling medication. What is the answer to this insomnia?

Accounting for all the worries you have, none seem that prevalent as to disturb you from this rest, you try and shut your eyes and still nothing, this is hopeless.

Chill now sweet brain of mine, switch off from the day that has gone, a new day is looming just ahead. My hopes are in vain, my head just throbs with restless tired pain.

Ease into the dreams that await, clear your thoughts of worry and dread, I fantasise about being in the most peaceful sleep, but still here I lay, I weep.

Yesterday has gone and today has begun, it’ll be a slow start with yawn after yawn, surely tomorrow night will be so much better, double the sleep, for now that’s the hope I’ll keep.

That one friend you lost


There was a guy, his name was Jordan, my best friend in the world, he knew every lyric to “Morden”.

He used to introduce me to all the best music, we’d go to gigs, get merry and dare I say it, boogie.

We loved the same movies, the tv shows like this is England and comedians like Steve Coogan.

The stories we have are so precious to me, with him I share some of my most favourite memories. 

He’s not in my life anymore and that’s my own doing, he married a girl and things got all a bit crazy.

This wasn’t a jealous or malicious action, it was just that I couldn’t believe the wedding was right for him.

They both love eachother so deeply, but they were in debt and blindsided by this, I couldn’t stand by and be a party to it.

I was meant to witness something I couldn’t truely believe in, it broke my heart having to lose him.

There are times when I just want to speak to him, he understood me like no other and I cherished his opinion.

He’s a handsome fellow with a heart of gold, alongside his beautiful mind he was a troubled soul.

I helped him through some of his toughest times, where the darkness had a hold, I was the one to make him shine.

I know I’ll never get him back and too much has happened, but I’m happy to say his true love has proved me wrong and will totally last. 

If I could speak to him now, I wouldn’t want to apologise, I’d just want to know all about him, his wife and his life.

She’s a beautiful lady who had also because a lovely friend of mine, im gutted she is also no longer in my life.

People grow apart and mistakes are made, but I’ll never forget this best friend, he’ll always be in my heart and hopefully I’ll get to see him again someday. 

The sea is a good place to think of the future


That stolen glance, the ones where your eyes meet and linger. Mentioning that person more than just the occasional whisper. Adding them and liking everything they do on social media.

When they show you a favourite song and you realise it was their favourite with that other someone. Thinking you had something special, that this was to be your memory. 

The past, the present, the future, the things you talk about, the promises you make, the life you expect never quite turns out the way you want.

The sea, that’s where I’ll go, I’ll go watch the tide come in and let it sweep me away. I’ll let my body dance with the waves, my lungs fill with my surroundings, my arms swaying as I become lifeless with nothing but misery and pain fading away from me. With a last breath, a pause, a moment, I’ll smile, and it will be real, finally peace, escape, a true glimpse into what life could have been.

New job, new beginnings 

I feel anxious, my bones creak, my brain weeps, my heart skips every other beat. I’m tired, my eyes feel heavy, but my body won’t let me rest whilst my mind is so full of useless worry.

Everyone says I’m a people person, and I, like most, can make a conversation of nothing, hold my own and entertain the crowd. People are my thing. That’s what they say anyway.

This doesn’t mean that new beginnings like these aren’t as damn scary. A new job, new people, new environment surrounds me. It’s suffocating, all encompassing and dreary. 

It’s like I’m 10 again, in the school gala, diving for the black brick at the bottom of the pool. I know I can reach it, I can struggle to bring it to the top, but that’s it, that struggle, it’s exhausting, is it really worth all this time and effort?

The optimist in me says yes, the niggling darkness behind my left shoulder sniggers, expecting me to lose my way and blow out those last air bubbles, rising to the top, but just as an empty vessel, with no glory, no brick, no happy ending to this story. 

I will move past this self loathing, this harsh view that I won’t be everything I hope. I just feel a little bit lost. I am in transition to something completely new and all I can see is failure for this moment, but I know deep down it will not last.

I will succeed and make the most of the opportunity ahead. I’ll embrace this chance I’ve been given with both my heart and head. The new people will be as beautiful as the last and the fear of failure will subside, I will find my place and no longer be lost.

Looking for something

Sometimes I’m looking, I realise I’m completely blind to what it is I’m looking for.

Wishing that dreams weren’t this thin, Losing the lust for life and love I have within.

I hold on to anxieties and trust mishaps from the past. I wish to the gods that this self doubt wouldn’t last.

Picking myself up from the crimson flux, all will be well he said, but I knew better, and still I did not ask.

The self loathing and constant waiting around isn’t going to change this mess, but you can’t let it keep you down.

You must rise above and see the glory outside, that the future ahead that truly is so bright. 

Time is one thing that is so precious to me, sharing your time with someone else, creating beautiful memories.

If the other person does not have the time for you or constantly brings it up, “I have no free weekends”, then take a step back and question what your worth is here.

A relationship is about compromise and still being oneself but being part of a unionship. If you’re changing yourself or feeling unhappy, ask yourself, is he/she really worth all this.

We are all only here once, (maybe a few more times in spirit and memories) but this lifetime is what we have and why not be happy and let yourself shine? 

Time is precious and shouldn’t be spent worrying over what people are thinking and why they don’t want to share theirs with you.

Time is for living so today go do something new, make a list of things to achieve and get them done, focus on happiness and not being so god damn glum! 

You are who you are, you cannot change that. Blossom don’t hide, be who you are regardless of what people like.

Go forward with a heart of gold and make people smile, be bold, don’t be frightened, put on your favourite song and dance, sing, have a little run around and see, it’s not all so bad really.